The Confused Oatcakes

Let me tell you a story.

The other day, as my madre and I were strolling down the aisles in our local supermarket, I decided I wanted some oatcakes.

I know.  Oatcakes, I imagine, aren’t exactly the type of thing which springs to your mind often.   But they did.  I wanted some.  And so I investigated.

As I began to wander down the aisle containing savoury biscuits and the such, I immediately walked past the oatcakes.  And then, in true me form, I reversed like a car back to the oatcakes.  I’m a little weird.

Anyway.

I was looking at these oatcakes, and eyeing up whether or not I was truly, really in need of buying oatcakes.  Even a crazy like me knows that oatcakes can be a bit lethal.

As in, OH MY GOD CRUMBS EVERYWHERE lethal.

As in, MY POOP HURTS BECAUSE OF THE OATCAKES lethal.

But for some unknown reason, I just had to get some.  It was my one need at the time.  Well, beyond scoping for cute guys watching my mum so she doesn’t walk too far away and never returns making sure I get the right price, so as not to buy the most amazing oatcakes in the world.  Sure.  Oatcakes were needed.  Destroying finances was not.   Also, neither was agar agar.  You know?  Those random flakes of seaweed stuff that makes everything gel up?  Every time I see them I’m just like, “MUST BUY AGAR AGAR”.  It must be something to do with the name.

So anyway, as I was looking at these oatcakes I suddenly realised something odd about them.  See if you can guess what it is.

(sorry for the blur)

Did you guess it? I doubt you did, but that’s okay. I’ll enlighten you.

Notice the word ‘Scottish’?  So what’s THAT about?

And then I realised.  That word — Scottish — is 100% superlative.  There is abslutely no need for it to exist.

“But Matt, it might have been cooked in a Scottish way!”

I’d agree, apart from the fact that the other, non-organic version of these same oatcakes were the exact same, except for the word ‘Scottish’.

“But Matt, oats are from Scotland!”

Uhm.  ‘fraid not.  Oats are from the Middle East.

Quite obviously, as being Scottish is apparently associated with strength, vigour and hardiness, that by these oatcakes being ‘Scottish’, they would no doubt grant me the same powers of fortitude.

Unfortunately, these very confused oatcakes have yet to provide any such benefit whasoever.

I mean, I’m all for marketing.  But when you start to make products all confused and crazy with words that don’t make any sense or fit anywhere?

That’s where I draw the line.

(Also, did you notice how the little thing says “Our organic biscuits are baked with organic ingredients”?   Heh.  No organic shit, sherlock.)