I’m not gonna lie, us wigglers haven’t been posting at all. In ages.

But the thing is, we’ve all had so much work to do that we’ve not had time to write for you guys.

However now, it’s the summer holidays. I don’t know about Sophie or Matt, but I have a lot more time on my hands now just to write for the Daily Wiggle.

So let’s start with a nice Music Monday, shall we?

Song #1: The Boy Does Nothing – Alesha Dixon: If you’re from the States, you’ll probably definitely not have heard of Alesha Dixon. (Probably definitely? Does that make sense?) Anyway, Alesha started out as a member of girl band Mis-Teeq in 1999, but now she’s a fully-fledged, British female solo star. She also went on to win series 5 of UK show Dancing With The Stars and is now a judge on the series. Go lady!

This song is cheesy pop at it’s best. Somehow though, it’s not your average Spice Girls 1990s cheesy pop. The ‘noughties’ appear to have brought along a different type of cheese with it. And this is the definition of 21st century cheese. It’s actually pretty good too. Normally the sort of thing I would despise, but Alesha just about pulls it off, in my opinion.

Song #2: Everyone You Know – Now, Now Every Children: From Minneapolis, USA, this 5 piece list their influences, quitehumorously, as “Monday”, “Dad Denim” and “Cat Movies.” Odd? Yeah, but this band are pretty odd themselves. They have also been the support act for Paramore on their tour around North America, so I’m guessing they’re pretty good and probably on the way to success.

This song actually sounds like something off the Skins soundtrack. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the child-like female vocals or the upbeat depression it carries with it, I can just see it being in an episode of Skins. Not something I’ve actually listened to a lot, but it’s easy on the ears and it’s not bad at all. If you’re a fan of 6 Day Riot or Sky Larkin, chances are you’ll adore this song.

Song #3: Stuck In The Middle With You – Bob Dylan: I’m pretty sure, well almost 100% sure, that the majority of you knowBob Dylan’s music, or at least of Mr. Dylan. Well, this artist is now at the ripe old age of 69 years old, but his musical history goes to show he continues to be successful. I mean, how many artists can say they have 34 albums in their belt, not including compilations?

I only actually have this song in my iTunes because we used it for a drama piece one time, so I don’t really listen to it. But it’s definitely a classic. Not my cup of tea really – it’s far too upbeat folk for me. Comparable to this song today would be songs from bands such as Scouting for Girls and The Hoosiers; neither of which I am particularly fond of. So, although it’s a classic, I’m not a massive fan.

Song #4: Lover’s Requiem – I Am Ghost: I’ve known of this band for as long as I can remember, but I don’t really recall any oftheir songs. In fact, I don’t even remember downloading this. Anyway, they’ve been together for 6 years (since 2004) and come from California, USA. They have 3 studio albums to their name, which isn’t bad for a band so young. Their music comes under genres such as screamo and emo. Google it if you don’t know what I mean.

This song again isn’t something I’d normally listen to. However, if you’d have asked me 4 years ago, I’d have probably loved them. If you’re a fan of From First To Last or Hawthorne Heights, you’ll probably love them. The electric guitar particularly shines in this track and the haunting vocals during the screaming parts of the song are extremely well executed.

Song #5: Into My Arms – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds: This band have actually been together since 1983, and have 14 studioalbums recorded on their discography. Pretty impressive. Their music is often based on biblical stories and refers to the bible, but don’t be mistaken into thinking their music is Christian or gospel. It’s actually gorgeous, acoustic tracks that make you think.

This song is definitely my favourite of the Bad Seeds’. The chorus is so simple yet so memorable, which proves simplicity can often equal perfection. The piano is heartbreakingly beautiful too, and Nick Cave’s vocal accompanies it with gusto. If you don’t recognize this song by its title, you’ll probably have heard it before if you listen to it again – it’s often used as the soundtrack to movies and television shows to set a particularly sad scene. An amazing song.

Top Track This Week: Into My Arms – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds.

In an attempt to make things interesting, I’ll insert random sarcasm and in an attempt to make things educational, I’ll throw in the odd quote or statistic.

Here goes…

1919 – The Treaty of Versailles.

The Treaty of Versailles was a settlement created in 1919 in an attempt to stop Germany from ever waging war again. So what did they do to enforce this?

• The ‘war guilt’ clause put the blame on the Germans for the first world war and were left feeling guilty. Guilty as a result of a war GUILT clause? No fucking way. Anyway yeah, they did that but it backfired because the policy of appeasement is often justified by silly little men who believed Hitler was just trying to ’settle German grievances’. Oh yeah, right.
• Germany lost 13% of her land. Bye bye Sudetenland.
• The Anschluss was forbidden. This was the union of Germany and Austria. Because what would happen if Austria and Germany combined? Absolutely NOTHING good, that’s what.
• Germany lost all it’s colonies. At this point, Britain was still part of a huge empire, making them the most powerful nation in the world. Even though their economy sucked after World War 1 sucked up their moneyz.
• The German army was now limited to 100,000 men. Give you 3 guesses why.
• Germany was to pay £6600 million in reparations because of their destructive tendencies during ‘The Great War’. That’s what you get when you let the bombs win… (Excuse the cheesy Paramore reference.)

1924 – The Dawes Plan.

The Dawes Plan broke down Germany’s reparations – they were in a dire state of depression and could not afford to pay back. Oh, it was commissioned by Charles G. Dawes. Kind chap, I’ve heard.

1925 – The Locarno Treaty.

The what? Locarno. Treaty. Basically, Locarno is a place in Switzerland and a treaty is when… Oh wait, you know that one right? Anyway, what happened at this Locarno place? It actually happens to be very pretty. Look:

Damn, I wish I was there instead of taking this history exam… NO, LAUREN! YOU CAN DAYDREAM ABOUT THAT AFTER! Right then, what happened at this treaty?

• France and Germany agreed on their common border. This was awesome because the borders between each country were totes confusing between 1918, when the war ended, and 1925, when Locarno was established.
• The Rhineland was to be kept permanently de-militarized – the part of Germany which bordered France. Ah the French and their anxious consciences on self-security. What do I think? STOP BEING SO FUCKING COWARDLY. *cough* Please excuse my, uh, French.
• The “Spirit of Locarno” was established – there was an air of world peace circulating. Seems they were jumping ahead of themselves a little but still…

1929 – The Young Plan.

Another plan? Well, it seems the Dawes Plan was pretty much sucking. Germany still couldn’t afford to repay their debts. Basically, the Young Plan reduced reparations by almost 90% and the reparations that were left to be paid were not being demanded to ease the pressure off Germany. DUDE, you’re making Versailles seem like it was totally pointless…

1931 – Japanese Invasion of Manchuria.

You WHAT!? Where the hell did Japan come from? Well, they actually came from Asia. And Manchuria? Manchuria is actually part of Inner Mongolia, which is between China & Russia. Thrilling stuff.

Anyways, the Japanese were an expansionist nation, looking to expand and make everything more Japanese-y. You know, like, they wanted more countries to eat sushi and be good at Maths. Ah, good old Asian stereotypes. Anyway, Japan attacked, but the League of Nations did nothing. Umm… What the frack?

1933 – Hitler & the World Disarmament Conference.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Hitler. Seems he came to power in this year. Stupid Germans.

What’s more is that when the League of Nations held this conference, Hitler stormed out. Surely this was a sign of things to come, no? But no one really took notice and just thought Hitler was being childish. If Chamberlain had remembered this when he favoured appeasement so much, maybe he’d have seen how unreliable Hitler was…

1935 – A Bunch of Stuff Happened.

Yeah, let’s see…

• Hitler Announced Rearmament – And what did the League do? You guessed it. Absolutely FUCK ALL. Damn their brains.
• The Stresa Front – Britain, France & Italy created a front to put a peaceful stop to Hitler’s acts of aggression. However…
• Mussolini invaded Abyssinia – You WHAT?! He did WHAT?! Yeah, you probably don’t really give a shit, but Mussolini totally invaded Abyssinia during this year and the Stresa Front went to pot.
• Anglo-German Naval Agreement – Britain declared that they would allow the German navy to expand to 35% of Britain’s navy size. This was dead good for Hitler, because he didn’t even plan to expand as much as this, but Britain had literally let him get away with it.

1936 – Hitler & the Rhineland.

• Hitler marched troops into the Rhineland – this broke the Treaty of Versailles but the League of Nations did nothing to stop him. What a frickin’ surprise.

1937 – Chamberlain & Italy.

The 2 are unrelated, to be honest.

• Chamberlain becomes Prime Minister. This was pretty insignificant really, as we will soon learn.
• Italy left the League of Nations – Mussolini was becoming aggravated with the lack of action from Britain, France & the other members of the League of Nations. So, being the slimy, bald bastard he is, he left the League to join Hitler, who appeared to have the most power.

1938 – The Munich Conference. (And The Anchluss.)

Well, the Munich Conference was where Chamberlain reckoned he had defeated Hitler with his little policy of appeasement. Yeah mate, you’re good.

First, he flew to Berchtesgaden to appease Hitler, because he was threatening to commit acts of aggression and invade Czechoslovakia and steal away the Sudetenland.

Next, Chamberlain met Hitler again at Bad Godesberg to discuss the same thing. However, rather than holding his own, Chamberlain ended up giving in and just letting Hitler have the power anyway. All in the name of appeasement. Dick.

Because he was shitting himself, Chamberlain met Hitler & Stalin again in Munich to avoid war. He proposed that they sign the Munich Agreement and Hitler could have the Sudetenland, so long as he promised to not make any more advances against mainland Europe. Only thing is, Chamberlain had a complete lapse in memory and forgot that Hitler could not be trusted. Remember when he marched into the Rhineland in 1936? In the words of Hermione Granger: What. An. Idiot.

What’s more is the fact that the Sudetenland had been taken away from Germany at Versailles, but both the league and the general Allied forces broke it FOR Hitler. WHAT?! Apparently, people thought Hitler’s Germany was entitled to the Sudetenland because over 50% of its inhabitants spoke German. IDIOTS. IDIOTS. IDIOTTTTTS! NOT LIKE GERMANY ARE GONNA START A WAR WITH THEIR NEW LAND IS IT?! *rant over*

Anyway, Chamberlain returned to Britain with a hero’s welcome. He reckoned that he had achieved “peace in our time” and waved a white piece of paper with Hitler’s signature on it. Big fucking wow.

P.s. The Anchluss was agreed in this year too. Germany & Austria were now one. Violated Versailles and all that, but obviously the League did nothing ’cause they sucked hairy donkey balls.

1939 – The Final Year. Chamberlain passes ‘GO’ and doesn’t collect £200.

• Nazi-Soviet Pact – In August, Stalin & Hitler signed the Nazi-Soviet pact, which meant that Hitler was no longer at risk of facing a war on 2 fronts. The pact also said that if war was to be waged against either the USSR or Germany, they would help their mates out. However, this was good because it finally gave Chamberlain a kick up the arse and he ordered the navy to be called up ready.
• 1st September, 1939, Hitler invades Poland – Yep, that’s it. Hitler invades. Shots are fired. Everyone shits it.
• 3rd September, 1939, Chamberlain declares war against Germany and the Axis Powers – Ut oh, here we go. You know what’s coming. 6 years of full out war. APPEASEMENT HAS FAILED EPICALLY.

THAT’S IT!

Just remember as much as you can, we hope our geeky history articles haven’t bored you too much and we hope the exam is good to you!

We’re all convinced we’re going to fail, but only time will tell.

15 HOURS TO GO!!!

So, it’s a Sunday night, and what you want more than anything in  the world is more History revision, right?

Erm… Wrong actually.

Oh really?! Then why the hell did you click on this, eh? EH?!

I thought it was going to be about Harry Potter, goddammit!

Oh….

Shit.

ANYWAYZ.

Know what I love?
Appeasement.

*puts hand up*

*sighs*
What now?

Yeah so…. Erm…. I was just wondering… What the HELL is appeasement?

I was getting to that.
Geez.

(Appeasement is basically where you give in to lesser demands of aggressors in the hope that then they’ll stop asking for more. In this context, Britain and France kept giving Germany what they asked for in the hope that this would stop him asking for more serious demands and in turn waging a full-blown war against them.)

So yeah, I love appeasement.
I really do.
Like, in the same way people love Sporks.
It’s so weird and crazy, you think it just miiiight work.
And then you try and eat soup with it.
And all you get is Hitler stains on your clothes.
Or something like that….

So yes, todays topic is:

*drumroll*

NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: A GUILTY MAN?

Or, in simple terms:

HOW STUPID WAS OL’ NEV FOR THINKING APPEASEMENT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK?

Chyeahh.

“All rise. On trial today is Mr Neville Chamberlain, Prime Minister 1937-1940. He has been accused with general stupidity for believeing appeasement could actually stand a chance… Bring him in boys”

“IIiin the blue corner, weighing in at 126 lbs* we have Neville ‘Guilty Man’ Chamberlain”

*Cheers from Revisionist Historians* 

“Aaaaand in the red corner, weighing in at a hefty 189 lbs*, iiiiit’s Winston ‘Bulldog’ Churchill.”

*Cheers from Traditional Historians*

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…

Oh, wait… Wrong script.

Right, *ahem* FIIIIIIIGHT.

Churchill: You asshole Chamberlain, look at what you did! What the hell were you playing at, trying to appease Hitler?! That man is UNAPPEASABLE, you hear me? He wrote all about his little invasion plans in Mein Kampf, which he published in 1925, a full 12 years before you even became PM. You should’ve KNOWN he would just agree to a little bit! You should’ve threatened him with WAR!

Chamberlain: Oi, calm it Churchy baby. You know as well as I do that you can’t just go trying to threaten a man with a ‘tache like his!  We, my friend, were in a very vulnerable position, what with our large and scattered empire. He could easily have wiped us out!

Well then maybe you should’ve tried a little bit harder to make some more allies, no? Instead what do you go and do? You’re kinda rude to the Frenchies, you refuse to attend a world conference proposed by the US in 1938, which could’ve seen them change their isolationist attitudes, and OH, that’s right, you make NO ATTEMPT to form a pact with the Soviet leaders ’cause you were a little bit scared of Communism. Pshht.

Woah, woah, woah. Hold it, right there. The French clearly had a very weak and unstable government, they weren’t really that valuble as allies were they. And the Americans? Don’t even get me started… As if they’d have come to help us! They didn’t enter the war at all until the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour in 1941. They were only ever going to think of themselves. And the Russians? God. “I must confess to the most profound distrust of Russia…. I distrust her motives, which seem to me to have little connction with our ideas of liberty.”**

Shame the public didn’t agree though, eh Nev. In the Public Opinion Polls of 1938-9, 84% said that not only did they want to see Britain and the USSR being more friendly to each other, but that they also wanted a military alliane with France and Russia.

Know why that is though, Winny? Because they DIDN’T WANT A WAR. Have you completely forgotten the last one? A ‘war to end all wars’, a ‘lost generation’… Any of that ringing a bell?!

Well maaaybe, your silly policy of appeasement only ENCOURAGED Hitler. Maybe, without you being all “No go on Adolf, help yourself” he wouldn’t have been all “Our opponents are worms. I saw them at Munich”** and then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have thought he could walk all over us… Meaning that he would’ve wanted to avoid a war too cause we’d have been all scary!

My policy? Hold your horses, Churchy. Britain’s policy of appeasement was in place long before I came to power. And I’m sorry, but had you not noticed how weak we were in terms of both our defence and our economy? Hitler knew we were in no fit state to be waging war… He’d have KNOWN we were bluffing.

You should’ve rearmed faster though! Then we would’ve been ready for a war, we could’ve scared him off and everybody’s happy!

Do the words ‘weak’ and ‘economy’ mean nothing to you? I did the best I could given what little money we had! In 1937, when I became PM, 5.6% of our Gross National Product was being spent on defence, whereas by 1939, this had reached 2.4%. Given what a crappy situation we were in after WW1, we couldn’t actually afford to do anymore. Se we did what any sane country did, and we bided our time until we COULD afford it. Four year plan, anyone?

And a fat lot of good ‘biding our time’ did us. If we had fought in 1938, we would’ve had the Czechs and their army as allies. But no, y0ou screwed that up at Munich with your silly little piece of paper. Instead, Germany just carried on getting stronger.

And so did we! We were much better prepared for war in 1939 then we had been previously! Not that anything would’ve happened differently if war had broken out earlier, anyway. Do you recall that whole Phoney War business? You know where NOTHING HAPPENED?! And ANYWAIZ, we couldn’t have kept the Czechs OR the Poles for that matter… The Poles were still slaughtered despite us declaring war against Germany. It didn’t help!

But if you’d have been less weak and indecisive, and you’d have had more experience in terms of foreign policy, then maybe you’d have rearmed faster and then….

It would’ve made no difference! Know what I focussed on when we were rearming? The RAF. And you know why that was clever of me? Because we won the Battle of Britain. And Hitler didn’t win the war. DUH.

But…. But….

SHUT UP. We had to bide our time, bitch! Hitler announced his rearmament in 1935… I hadn’t even come to power then! What was I meant to do? We had to sit it out, and prepare ourselves, okay? WE WERE TOO WEAK. We had a lot of enemies, and no really strong allies. Even General Ironside said “We can not expose ourselves now to a German attack. We simply commit suicide if we do.“** So there. 

*Ding ding ding*
We have a winner.

Though saying that, it’s all about how you argue it.
You personally might think that appeasement was a load of bull, and the stupidest policy Britain could have possibly followed.

But personally, I think it made sense.

We weren’t ready for a war, so Chemberlain did the sensible thing.
He waited until we were.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride,”

* Totally made up fact. Sorry, I have no idea how much either of them weighed.

** “Hi, I’m an actual quote. Put me in your essay, bitch!”

No. It was not. Admittedly I was not that eager to sink my teeth into this book as I was disappointed with ‘Breaking Dawn.’ Plus, I don’t what’s so great about R Pattz.

The basic story is parallel to ‘Eclipse’ and if you decide to read this make sure that you have invested in ‘Eclipse’ first. Bree Tanner is a new born vamp who falls for another vamp for Diego. However, she is made to go and fight in a big battle against the Cullen clan on Victoria’s behalf. Told you it was basic.

Firstly, the book is predictable due to the poorly selected title. Come on Stephanie! Isn’t there a better title so that you don’t give the ending away? It’s not difficult. ‘Twilight’ doesn’t give much away. Surely, you can come up with something more imaginative.

Also when it says ‘Short’ in the title it means short. The book is only 192 pages of large font text. So you can read it in a couple of hours. Consequently, the book fails to go into much detail at all. It also doesn’t get too lovey dovey like the main Twilight books. Don’t know whether that is a positive thing. Anyway, I felt like half the story was skimmed over really and there were so many missed opportunities as a result. One character seems to remain nameless throughout as he is referred to as the ‘Spiderman kid.’ Coming up with a name isn’t difficult!!!

Furthermore, the book gives the impression that you must know all the Twilight mythology like the back of your hand as if fails to explain any of it. I feel due to this is due to the arrogance of Stephanie Meyer and her assumption that everyone has read these books and loves them. A basic description or perhaps prologue would be nice.

Also, the first person proves to be promlematic as well. Meyer wrote the Twilight Saga in the first person but this doesnt work for this book. First of all, Bree misses the big battle. Come on, that’s a pivotal part of the mythology. So that was a let down. Plus the ending, it just stops. So can’t really feel for what’s just happened. Perhaps if were not Bree in the first person it would have been somehow improved. Or maybe the third person would have been better?. Who knows?

Despite this, Meyer’s writing style is addicitive as you just can’t put the book down. I hate that! The pace of the book is fast (it would have to be at the shortness) which makes it so readable.

Overall, this book is solely aimed at the Twihard fans of the Twight Saga. That wasn’t me. Meyer’s arrogance leads to this alienation of casual readers. The shortness of the book also gives the impression it was rushed and not really important expect for the financial benefits of flogging a dead horse. Despite this Twihard fans will surely get a kick out of more Twilight action even though Jacob and Edward are barely in it at all.

Arthur Harris, born April 13th 1892, (not that that’s important), was the guy who paved the way for real bombing offensives on German land. In 1942 up until 1945, when the British Cabinet agreed to allow bombing on German soil, Harris was the dude faced with implementing Churchill’s policy of force upon the Germans.

Commonly known as “Bomber” Harris because of his reputation with the press, Harris’ take of leading the bombing of Germany is often seen as unpopular and, in some cases, unsuccessful. But how effective really was his acts of aggression?

Evidence To Suggest A Positive Impact.

• Before attacking, Harris said “The Nazis entered this war with the rather childish delusion that they were going to bomb everyone else, and nobody was going to bomb them.” DAMN. He really does have it in for those Germans. To elaborate, he added “They sowed the wind, and now they are going to reap the whirlwind.” Thinks he’s hard, that Harris. Well, we’ll see…

• By 1944, technical and training improvements had been made. Perhaps most importantly, the development of the H2S RADAR showed the Germans who was boss. Lethal attacks that were also accurate? You betcha.

• Speer argued that a few more attacks on Hamburg would have resulted in a collapse in the German war economy.

• The offensive reduced German war production. The US estimated that by 1944, German war production was down by 17%, part of which was impacted by the Harris Bomber Offensive. He’s not just a pretty face, that Harris.

• The offensive caused a HUMONGOUS diversion of resources from Germany, costing them fuel and 20% of their ammunition.

• Harris diverted the Luftwaffe from the Eastern Front, meaning that the USSR gained air supremacy and Hitler would now have to face a war on 2 fronts. This also made the invasion of France possible.

• 1944 – Operation Crossbow marked the successful destruction of V1 and V2 launch sites in Germany. UNLUCKY, GERMANZ.

• After the final attack between 1944 and 1945, German Luftwaffe could no longer provide effective backlash and defence. The RAF and the USAAF carried out day and night attacks on the German cities and the damage was devastating for the Germans.

Evidence To Suggest A Mixed Impact.

• The bombing of Dresden in Germany resulted in a lethal firestorm. This killed several tens of thousands of civilians. Why is that bad? Well, they were bombing innocent people. But it was good, because it caused public uproar and damage.

• The large number of civilian casualties gave Britain superior military value.

Evidence To Suggest A Negative Impact.

• The Butt Report noted that “only 1 in 3 attacking aircraft got within 5 miles of their targets” between 1940 and 1941.

• Harris’ bomber campaign on Cologne in Germany failed – 40 aircraft were lost and over 100 were damaged. However, within weeks, Cologne was back to normal.

• Germany didn’t surrender because of Harris’ attacks. Least we tried, eh?

• Historian Mierzejewski (good luck remembering that one… try this acronym: Many Igloos Eject Round Zebras, Even JEWS Kill Iguanas. No?) argued that both bombing and attacking of German fuel plants were ineffective in stopping Germany’s thriving coal and rail-based economy.

• The bombing raids did not destroy the Sorpe Dam – a dam essential to industrial Ruhr production.

• 1942-3 – German munitions production doubled. How on Earth did they manage that with all our death and destruction?!

• The offensive absorbed a grand total of 25% British war production. That’s a lot. And as you know, we didn’t have enough money to re-build effectively.

• German morale didn’t collapse, it just strengthened their determination. You’d have thought we’d have learnt that after the Germans tried that with the Blitz, wouldn’t you?

• 40,000 were killed in Hamburg. BUT the city had a strong anti-Nazi sentiment about it. We practically killed our support there!

So overall, there were ups and downs to Harris’ little plans. Mainly, we didn’t destroy as much of the stuff as we wanted to; the Sorpe Dam was possibly the biggest failure here.

However, the Harris Bomber Offensive made Hitler and Nazi Germany aware that Britain could do damage if they wanted: they were re-armed, had advanced radar technology and their RAF were brutal.

WHAT’S THAT?! A VICTORY?!

A WIN FOR BRITAIN!

(Although it wasn’t all positive. But we’ll be quiet about that for now…)

P.s. We’re not mentioning the failures for now, but be sure to mention them in the exam!

So, the Norwegian Campaign. It took place from April until June 1940. Basically, Germany planned an invasion of Norway to conquer her and retrieve valuable iron ore resources for use in the war.

Britain, who had declared war the previous year in 1939 were liable to do something about it, but how successful were their ideas?

British Success at Norway.

• The British navy sailed in with their super superiority and damaged the German navy with ease. England 1, Germany 0.

And uh… that’s it.

British Failure at Norway.

• Lack of decisiveness at Norway delayed forceful action from Britain. This meant that both British and German operations went ahead at the same time. So effectively, Britain only made the campaign harder for themselves. Good one.

• Britain may have had the superior navy, but Germany had the better air force. This exposed Britain’s ant-aircraft guns as weak, making Britain look weaker and less scary by the minute. (Trust me, it’ll all get better at Dunkirk… Maybe.)

• Allied navy and infantry command was badly coordinated: they failed to work together effectively, costing them time and allowing the Germans to gain the upper hand.

• You know how Norway is all snowy and mountain-y and whatnot? Well, you’d think the British would know to wear snow shoes, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re wrong. Rather ridiculously, the Brits forgot to bring necessary footwear. To make things worse, the French brought their skis with them, but brought the wrong bloody bindings. Does it get any more ridiculous? Let’s hope not.

• Churchill egged on the navy to follow German ships. YAY! Finally, something good occurred as a result of British efforts. Oh, wait, incorrect. Sorry for getting your hopes up. The stupid idiots followed the boats but IN THE WRONG FUCKING DIRECTION. Looks like someone didn’t read ‘War for Dummies’.

• Narvik was taken within 6 weeks of German invasion. They occupied the country and gained control of the iron ore they wanted. So basically, Britain wasted their time, money and effort. Right?

Well…

Points that suggest Norway was of NEGATIVE significance for Britain.

• Eric Grove said “[Norway was] a huge strategic gamble”.

• Norwegian coastal waters were vital for Germany to transport their iron ore to their blast furnaces. Britain failed to blockade these effectively.

• Germany secured air bases in Norway as a result of their victory over its occupation. They could now ship to other countries, making them even more powerful. God dammit, Team GB!

• 7 British destroyers were lost. Sucks, because we were still re-arming and still didn’t have enough ships and planes to keep us going.
• The Norwegian Campaign was humiliating for Britain: it exposed Britain’s inability to contest command off shore due to lack of radar and high performance fighters. Why does this suck? Because Germany had radar and they had the skill to use it. And we didn’t. Go figure.

But was it all bad?

Points that suggest Norway was of POSITIVE significance for Britain.

• Norway was not the asset Germany hoped for: its resources and land was not as of much as use as they initially thought it would be.

• Norway’s defence tied down more German troops than we gave them credit for. Okay, this isn’t something that Britain did, but it could only lead to positives for Britain in the long run.

• Chamberlain resigned in May. This meant that he would soon be replaced with heroic war leader Winston Churchill, who was named by journalists as ‘just the man for the job’.

• By the end of the Norwegian Campaign, Germany only had 7 of its navy destroyers left. SUCKERS. We always knew our navy was better.

So not ALL was lost. But look at all the negatives and failures in comparison to the positives and successes.

Doesn’t really weigh up, does it?

One again, I have to say…

British Fail.

As you’ll probably know, ‘phoney’ means ’something that is not genuine’ or ‘fake’. Pretty much like the entirety of Heidi Montag’s face.

So, when Britain declared war on Germany and the axis powers on September 3rd 1939, Britain set right to the task of speeding up rearmament and getting their navy and air forces ready for full out war. Right? Wrong? Oh…

Well, let’s see what they did do.

British Successes.

• December 17th 1939 – 1 German battleship (the Graf Spee) was sunk. This was significant because it marked the first actual defeat of a German force by Britain. But wait… just 1 battleship? Out of God knows how many? Come on Britain, step up your game.

• The Government continued you to rearm. As you’ll probably know, in 1914, Britain became involved in a little thing called ‘The Great War’. Eh, you’ll probably not remember it. It wasn’t significant… (*sarcasm*) But yeah, since that war, Britain went under a disarmament program, which stripped away all machinery and heavy artillery from the country in an attempt to prevent further warfare. So, when a Second World War was inevitable, rearmament was needed. And fast.

• The Emergency Powers Act was passed on August 24th, 1939. This act basically stated that the Government had the right to do whatever they wanted/needed at home, i.e. to introduce conscription, in order to aid the war effort. Seems they were focusing *very* heavily on things on the home front…

• In just 3 days, nearly a million and a half children were evacuated to small towns in the countryside. This shows how quickly the Government were able to work when they needed to. It’s also apparent here that the Government were willing to do things for the good of their country.

• Air raid shelters were built. These shelters were named ‘Anderson’ shelters after the dude that designed them. He was a minister of some sort, if you must know.

• Air raid wardens were appointed to particularly at risk areas. Much precaution was again being taken on the home front, but it seems that there was little being actively done militarily…

• The blackout was established. This called for all lights and windows to be blacked out during the night to avoid easy detection from German bomber aircraft. However, this did have a downside: people who needed to drive their cars at night were not allowed to have their headlights on, therefore increasing the number of traffic accidents during this period. Well, you can’t please everyone.

In summary, most of the British successes during the Phoney War were ones that took place at home. Let’s see their weaknesses shall we?

British failures.

• Britain declared war but didn’t help Poland. They were not yet rearmed enough to take on those big, nasty Germans and their big, nasty Bratwurst sausages. Ut oh.

• Britain did not invade Germany from the West for exactly the same reasons. That sounds exactly like a Germany vs. England football match…

• They did not attempt to change the timid approach to war presented by the Dutch and Belgian Governments that would enable Britain to defend them properly. Cowards in comparison to newly war-minded Britain, the Dutch planned to retreat North and the Belgians refused to cooperate with the Allies. Know what I say to that? FINE. If you don’t want our help, stop wasting our time, you little bitchezzz.

• Britain had no effective strategies or plans in place. They had decided that were Germany to invade Belgium, they would attack using the most effective force. However, this strategy lacked any flexible response to anything unexpected. So basically, if Germany had attacked the North of France instead, we’d have been screwed: we had no backup plans for unexpected attack. I’m pretty sure the obvious thing to do would have been to set up divisions in each of the countries at risk, but it seems Chamberlain and co. had a lapse in tactics. Or you know, a lapse in brain power altogether.

• Expensive restaurants in Britain weren’t closed. A minor point, but this suggests that the war wasn’t being taken seriously, and spending was still going towards luxuries instead of necessary war equipment.

• The car industry continued to manufacture fancy schmansy new cars. Dedicated to tanks and war planes? I don’t think so.
• October 1939 – British battleship the Royal Oak was torpedoed when in the “protected” anchorage area at the Scapa flow. For reals? I thought we were re-arming and shit? Looks like our Government weren’t as trustworthy as we’d hoped…

That’s it. Wait… No it’s not. Because there was 1 things that suggested both British failure and success during this Phoney War period.

The One Factor That Suggested Britain Failure AND British Success.

• The British navy was used mainly to blockade German land – this was both passive and defensive. This blockade did damage German economy for a few months – German fuel and iron ore stocks dropped by a significant 1 million tonnes. However, it seems that Germany provided better living conditions than Britain at this time – they were well supplied and super well prepared. That’s more than I have to say for the British.

SO, TO SUMMARIZE:

1) Britain were succesfful in protecting the home front.

2) Britain were not so successful in instigating any real threats to the German powers, implying that they were weak and in fact unprepared.

3) NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED. Although Britain declared war in September 1939, the first significant military event for Britain wouldn’t come until June 1940, when the Norwegian Campaign would take place.

Overall?

British Failure.

You do A-Level History right? All about “Saving Europe at a cost”, right?

No? What? Oh…. Erm…. Then I guess just carry on with whatever you were doing.”

Oh, you do? Good good.

Come with me.

Right, where was I?
Ah yes, for the next two weeks, the Wiggle is now a HISTORY REVISION SITE! *ta-da*

Sounds fun right? No? Oh okay, well we liked the idea…

ANYWAIS.

Less chit chat, more revision.

And our first port of call?

THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES

Background Info:

• It was signed on 28th June 1919. After a lot of debate between the ‘Big Three’.

“Wait, what? Who are the Big Three? It rings a bell…. I think Evans mentioned them once….”

The Big Three: -David Lloyd George (Britain) ‘They need punishing, but y’know not too much.’
-Georges Clemenceau (France) ‘Stick it to ‘em hard! We’re in trouble! Erm….Zut alors!’
- Woodrow Wilson (USA) ‘Clearly I don’t think like George Bush, cause I actually want to prevent wars.’

• So basically, USE has come up with these 14 points, right?  And during WW1 they’d offered them to Germany as a form of truce. But Germany had been all “Hell no!”, which kind of sucked for them ’cause then when they lost the war (woo!) the allies refused to let them base a peace settlement on them. Sucks to be you, eh Germany? Cause yeah, those points would’ve been quite nice on Germany really.
• But nooooooo, the Treaty of Versailles was created instead. I’ll touch on this in more detail later, but yeah basically Germany lost a lot of land, and were told to admit they’d started the war and to pay a lot of money to all the countries they’d messed around with that little war of theirs.

“Sophie? Yeah, hi. I’m not sure where this is going… I thought you were going to talk about the League of Nations. I mean, that’s what we’re all here for.”

“Cool it, kid. I’m getting there, okay? Geez. You try and help people….”

• And from the Treaty of Versailles, the League of Nations was born. Happy now?
• The League of Nations started work in January 1920.

This brings us to our second stop on this fun revision cruise of ours:

THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS

Remember those 14 points I was talking about earlier? Well the League of Nations was based on them. Basically, they wanted to stop all the fighting by disarming, and encourage people to get on. And just generally improve lives and what-not. Blah blah blah. But yeah, people had high hopes of the League actually, they thought it had some good ideas, which is fair enough really.

But just how well did they live up to these expectations?

The Positives:

• They did actually sort out some disputes without fighting, believe it or not. Need an example? How about the dispute over Upper Silesia in 1921 between Germany and Poland.
• It helped refugees after the First World War. Good stuff L. of N. Smiley face for you.
• Although it was working to avoid wars, it did fight against diseases such as Malaria using inoculations. Hurrah!
• And it worked against slavery, ’cause of it’s whole ‘better working conditions’ ideology.

“Sounds good right?”

“Right.”

“Shut up.”

Of course things weren’t that great, there were some major issues too.

The Problems:

• The USA didn’t join - They thought the Treaty of Versailles was too hard on the Germans, and so didn’t like the League either. Also, due to their Isolations attitudes (this means that they wanted to focus on their own problems rather than get involved with other countries), they thought the League was too expensive and that actually it was un-democratic. A biiiig no-no there for Woodrow.
• It wasn’t powerful enough – It didn’t have the USA behind it to ’scare’ weaker countries into submission, therefore any sanctions imposed were going to fail. Simple. Due to it’s whole ‘war is bad’ outlook, it had no army behind it, this means they got ignored… By Italy as much as anyone actually. Although Britain and France were ‘big bosses’, they were both pretty crappy after the war and so didn’t really do that much. In fact, the whole organisation of the League was a shambles… There was no real agreement. Sad face there. Oh, and did I mention that Germany and Communist Russia weren’t allowed to join at first? Although Germany became a member in 1926 that still made the League pretty weak and generally shit to start off with.
• Corfu (1923) – To put it simply, an Italian diplomant was murdered. Bad times for Mussolini. So as usual, what does he do? He occupies the Greek island of Corfu and demands compensations of course! Not the League really mess up big time here, and start demanding that the money’s given to them instead. I mean, what the hell?! And Mussolini, not being a pushover, has this decision overturned and gets both the money AND a ’sorry’. And the League? Well, they’re left looking pretty weak aren’t they. Gutted.
• French Occupation of the Ruhr (1923) – So Germany couldn’t afford to pay for the £6600 million reparations they were told to, not surprising really is it, what with their economic crisis and all… So yeah, to fight back French decide to do the civilized thing and INVADE, Good one. :/ Basically they just barged into the Ruhr, the industrial region of Germany,  and occupied it. And the League? They did nothing. NOTHING. Eugh. So guess who ended up having to fix things? The US of course, they helped fix it with the Dawes Plan, this made the reparations easier for Germany to deal with and stabilised their currency etc. (though this did cause a great reliance upon the US which meant that when the Great Depression struck, Germany was still in the shit). This eventually lead to France leaving the Ruhr in 1923, and really only made the French look nasty and the Leagur look weak. Bad stuff.
• The Great Depression – In the 20’s the US was the ‘most prosperous’ country in the world with high wages and mass production and all that. But pride comes before a fall, right? So then suddenly there was too much supply and not enough demand (cause all the other countries were too poor and already relying on American loans), so there was the Wall Street Crash of 1929. This meant that everyone realized companies were in trouble and started selling their shares for low prices as quickly as possible. This caused the Great Depression. Bad times. Suddenly, instead of lending money out to other countried, the USA started calling in all it’s loans, which cause real problems for other countries. Want some unemployment statistics? By 1932 over 12 million were unemployed in the USA, 2.5 million in Britain and more than 6 million in Germany. This caused the League a lot of problems, suddenly Britain and France wanted to concentrate on their own economic problems rather than looking after the rest of the world. Also, the fact thst suddenly everyone was broke meant that people turned to support extreme right-wing leaders, hoping that they’d be stronger. *ahem* Hello Hitler.
• The Manchurian Crisis – Although Japan has become stonger during the First World War, the depression hit them hard, leaving military leaders to call for expansion in order to strengthen them again. So in September, it sent troops to take Mukden, and overrun Manchuria. Except it made it look as though they’d given Manchuria their independance by putting a weak leader in charge so they could control him. Sneaky, eh? So the League rushed in to help right? Wrong. They send one man, ONE MAN, to assess the situation and blame Japan. And then? They did nothing. The failed to confront Japanese agression. Big time. And how did that make them look? Weak my friend, very weak. This lead to a treaty between Japan and Germany in 1936, whi started to invade China in 1937. Once again, the League did F-all.
• The Invasion of Abysinnia – You knew Italy was controlled by the Fascist dictator Mussolini during this time didn’t you? Oh good. But you knew that in the early 30’s he was generally on Britain and France’s side right? Godd, just checking. Well basically, you know that little country just about Kenya? Abysinnia? Never heard of it? No, I hadn’t either, it’s called Ethiopia now-a-days for the record, I’m sure you’ll have heard of that. But yeah, he invaded it in 1935. As dictators tend to. Basically, following a previous defeat by Abysinnia, Mussolini wanted revenge and a big empire, so encouraged by the Leagues lack of action with Manchuria etc. he went for it. Fair enough really. So yeah, Mussolini sends in his troops, and Abysinnia asks the League for help. What do they do? They impose ‘economic sanctions’. Sacry stuff… What Britain and France failed to do was close the Suez canal which would have stopped the Italian ships getting through. This meant that the sanctions were pointless and by May 1936 Mussolini was in charge of the whole of Abysinnia. Good one League… Good work there. :/ (Note the sarcasm). So yeah, once again the League looked weak and generally ineffective. And this once caused both Germany and Italy to become more confident, wtih Italy and Germany signing the Pact of Steel in 1939. Good move.

Overall:

• The League’s main aim was to prevent agression and encourage co-operation. FAILED.
• Although it succeeded in improving the lives of some eg. slaves, this wasn’t it’s main aim. :/
• It did provide the groundwork for the United Nations though, which is good I guess.
• It can also be argued that it wasn’t their fault that the Usa didn’t join, and that their problems were made worse by the Great Depression, which was also out of their control.
• BUT, they could’ve done more to prevent the weak and inneffective impression they gave out. They didn’t oppose any agression, and so the agressors won easily every time.
• They failed to force countried to disarm and instead allowed secret alliances to be formed once more.
• To put it plainly, the League of Nations did nothing really to prevent the Second World War.

Epic Fail.

Like, for instance, some loser in a newspaper will say ‘TAKE THAT WERE AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHZING!’ so you’ll buy tickets. However, once you see the show, you’re actually like ‘wait, why did I buy tickets for this crap? OH WAIT, that stupid fucking newspaper told me to.’

That’s why, although I always knew it would be brilliant, I didn’t expect a lot when going to see Lady GaGa this week.

But I promise you now that anything I say in this review is not over-exaggerated whatsoever. You’ll see why I’ve said that in asecond…

Okay, where to start?! Well actually, the support act before GaGa was ‘Semi Precious Weapons’; a New York City based band with a transvestite frontman. Sounds weird, right? They were actually freakin’ amazing.

The look was particularly awesome, but the songs were catchy and often funny. For example, one contained the lyric ‘I can’t pay the rent, but I’m fucking gorgeous.’ LOVE IT, SISTAH.

After a brief 15 minute wait that actually seemed like an hour, the lights suddenly went out. A white screen covered the front of the stage, as videos of the Lady herself were projected onto it in all her glory. When the video finished… THERE WAS GAGA’S SILHOUETTE. GaGa was actually behind that screen.

And then came the squealing…

I don’t know how to describe it, but it seems like her general presence was so over-whelming that the excitement immediately kicked in. Seriously, she didn’t even have to do anything but stand there and the crowds went crazy.

She kicked it off with the rave-esque ‘Dance in the Dark’, which was perfect to get the party started. The set was amazing too: the first one we saw was a set of stairs with gigantic syringes being used as the bannister. Also on stage was a rusty, old car (which contained a piano under the bonnet, of course) and several sexy ass dancers.

The set changed continuously throughout the show, from big, moving ‘trees’ to a metallic subway line, and there was often a display of neon words such as ‘implants’, ’sedation’ and ‘dentistry’ filling up the walls.

Changing just as much as the set was GaGa’s outfit. Among the list was a mexican looking sombrero costume, a leather bikini and of course the firecracker crotch. Sounds mental and it was. Which is was it was so astounding.

I also expected her to be quite distant. As in, I didn’t think she’d speak to the audience much. However, I was pleasantly surprised. When she began to play her piano (which was set light, obviously), she told us a story about her sick Grandpa. Then, she sang the first verse of the exceptional ballad ‘Speechless’. In between each verse, she’d stop, just to tell us all how much she loves us. And the best thing is: we all believed her. She screamed ‘PAWS UP!’, to which everyone put their hands up in the air in a claw-like fashion and swayed along.

My personal favourite performances included ‘Teeth’, ‘Monster’ (in which GaGa had her heart ripped out and bloodied by a sexy leather-clad dancer) and ‘Alejandro’. The latter saw GaGa jump into a fountain of bloody water as the angel statue on the top of the fountain set on fire.

Fire again? Must be a love of GaGa’s.

I feel like there are literally no words that can describe this concert. In between songs, Lady GaGa gave her inspirational words of wisdom to her ‘Little Monsters’, in which she told them all to be themselves, no matter what and to be who they want to be and not who others want you to be. Chants of ‘GAGA! GAGA! GAGA!’ resounded throughout the arena, as GaGa blew a kiss to the fans she loves and the fans caught the air kiss to return the feeling.

So, like I said, I hate it when people big up things by saying they’re amazing when actually… they’re really not.

But this is different: if you choose to buy any tickets to a live show this year, attempt to get your hands on a Lady GaGa Monster Ball ticket. She is perfect, seriously. And after a showing like that, she is definitely now one of my idols.

SHOW ME YOUR TEETH.

It’s a difficult balance to find, and even the best hand soaps out there have issues.

For the past year I’ve been using Ecover to keep my muts clean at home. Sadly, with winter came chapped, dry skin and few natural oils left on my hand; my Ecover soap, sadly, not doing me any favours. Cracked, bleeding knuckles became the norm.

Not cool.

A few days ago I stumbled upon a new soap, made by Organic Surge who proclaim on the front of their o-so-special soaps that they’re soft on sensitive skin.

I snatched a bottle and span it round in my hands: “We’re against animal testing” it said.

A quick cringe, as that can sometimes mean “we don’t like animal testing, so we make our parent company do it instead“, as, I believe, was the case in the very beginning of Tom’s of Maine.

I got home after having bought a bottle and jumped on the internets. Thankfully, their clear FAQ section details that they do not test on animals, nor are any of their ingredients tested on animals.

That’s an extra 10 points for them, right then and there.

So I went for a tinkle, realised I hadn’t brought it up, opened the bathroom door with my elbows and fetched it, and then tried it out.

I want to be EXTREMELY EMPHATIC ABOUT ITS AWESOMENESS, but I’m worried that you won’t believe me.

Because Organic Surge’s hand soap?

Oh. Em. Gee.

EVERY other soap I’ve ever used leaves my hands clean but, hmm, a little stripped. Even so-called “sensitive skin” soaps usually chap me a teensy bit, often having Sodium Laurel Sulphate or Sodium Laureth Sulphate in it, which can be a bit of a catch-all cleanser.

Great if your skin is, y’know, not vulnerable to EVERYSINGLECHANGEINTHEATMOSPHERE.

If, however, you have more, ahem, delicate skin? It’s a different story.

And that’s why I am counting my stars or blessings or whatever, because this stuff? It’s good. REAL good.

I finished washing my hands, gave them a good dry-down with a towel and checked for dryness.

There was none. Absolutely none.

Considering that the back of my hands had gotten that teeny-tiny flaky skin thing when your skin is dry, and then the little-finger knuckle’s skin had split made me shocked.

Real shocked.

Because not only had my skin suddenly become soft like a baby’s rear, but the cracks on the knuckle had sealed right up, forming a teensy crust.

Kinda disgusting, I know, but the fact that this soap had banished my dry and splitting skin in one wash… well, I think that’s the testimont to all-natural products.

I did mention that Organic Surge products are free from parabens, sodium lauryl/laureth sulphate, chemical irritants, artificial fragrances, synthetic colourants and chemical alcohol, didn’t I?

Well I should have. Because my gawd, it’s making a difference.

If you’ve ever suffered from a case of dry-skin-itis, or happen to be plagued by having the back of your hands feel all rough, I’d seriously recommend Organic Surge’s hand soaps.

This review is based upon their Bergamot soap, but I find it VERY hard to believe the other fragrence would be much different.

You have my unconditional vote on this: a very effective, high-quality product in a very competitive market.

I’m sold.

Organic Surge hand soap gets a rare full marks here:

10 Out Of 10 Stars