For me? I love a good appliance. A busty blender. An magnificent mixer.

This week: A miniature food processor (“mini chopper”) by the oft-proclaimed master in the kitchen appliance world, Kenwood.

Now first and foremost, I’ve gotta say I was initially DYING to try this out. Not only did we not have any sort of food-processor-type appliance in our kitchen (boo!), but also, being a vegan, I need something that can chop, grind and partially-purée products efficiently. After the Kenwood blender attachment to our big Kenwood mixer station turned out to be, well, a bit ineffective at blending anything but the most water-based of potions, I was having to smush everything up with a hand blender.

Not fun. Especially with tomato-based things (read: TOMATO EVERYWHERE).

So, where was I? Oh yeah. The mini chopper and my epic excitement. Not only was it something I’d been needing for such a long while, it had the sticker pictured right attached to it, too. Considering I’d drop my homosexual trou’ for Delia Smith (below) at any point in the day, I was looking forward to whipping up mini batches of delicious with my new mini chopper.

I wish I could deliver happier news.

My first foray into using it was of lukewarm success. The sauce had been whizzed into an acceptible thickness and my pasta seemed to enjoy its state of liquidity. Unfortunately, this was probably the best I could get out of this little hunk of technology.

On the second use I found the screw-on top of the processor got itself stuck and then, as I went to wash my hands, something suddenly exploded and richocheted off the side of the fridge. After recovering from my sudden “OMGWTFATERRORISTISINTHEHOUSE” reaction, I soon found that the base had somehow screwed itself on too tightly (which is odd, as the screw only has one “track” to go down). The base had chipped and then flung off. Not fantastically inspired by this, but I went on. Everything gets a little broken, right?

On my third attempt, using it seemed to go okay until the blade, which I had under-estimated in uber sharpness, suddenly ripped out a chunk of my thumb. That was a fun, blood-filled night, for sure.

On the fourth and, honestly, most frustrating-of-them-all go, I found the mini chopper battling something which I would’ve thought would be EASY for a food processor, mini or not: herbs. Sadly, the chopper just couldn’t handle them very well and, despite the piercing wails that it produced, my basil and thyme remained unchopped. I was not amused.

And tonight? After a thorough washing from last time’s experience I promptly found a gush of trapped water ruminating in one of its several shafts. After attempting to wash, drain and dry it all out, I’m still pretty sure I’ve just infected myself with some type of fungus.

Arguably, Kenwood’s “Mini Chopper” is living up to the same expectation which we should expect: a small, extremely-sharp bladed, screamingly-loud food processor fit to process very small quantities at a time. The entire contraption seems to have 2 settings built into it: screechingly fast and quiet-screechingly stuck. Frankly, coming from a company which touts itself as being the best in the kitchenware business, its mini food processor leaves a lot to be desired; not to mention, cleaned.

And for that reason I would urge you to purchase a more conventional Kenwood food processor rather than the mini chopper unless you’re prepared to do a lot of awkward drying, put up with something screaming in your kitchen and your herbs to wrap around the blade connector shaft.

It is because of all of this that…

Unimpressed, I give Kenwood’s Mini Chopper a frustrated 3 out of 10